Gangster Essentials

(Gangster Essentials)

This is dedicated to my good but non-gangster friend JOEY. Hopefully in the near (but most likely distant) future you too can learn to be gangster.

ENDORSMENTS


"If you want to be g-g-g-gangster, you must have the following in your music video!"
-50 cent

"Aiyo, matt be the realest cat out there right now"
-2nd realest cat out there right now

"Matt's the first PAC (Phat Asian Cat). I had to be the second PAC."
-2pac

"Matt's the JAY (Jamrock-Asian-Yonker-man) to the A...thats why i can't be the Jay-A)
-Jay-Z


THE LIST

1. many many cars.

it doesn't matter if the car is butt ugly, as long as the vehicle has massive rims and is "chromed" out. that way, you can state lyrics saying same. ("my 22's be chromed out")

2. People throwing their money in the air like they just don't care.

It doesn't matter if you spend the next 2 hours picking up all the money you threw on the ground....you need to appear like you dont 'care about it.

bonus: use 50 dollar bills to light your cigars (also expensive) and use 100 dollar bills as toilet paper

3. Two words. Bling.

As a rapper this is a must have. commonly refered to as being "iced-out" you can match your chromed out car, and create a hunch back by having a massive pendant. pendants, commonly known as "jesus pieces (the original pendants were crosses)" must either have your name, a dollar sign or both. anything smaller then both of your palms side-by-side is known as "small balls" which as we all know, and are constantly reminded, rappers do NOT have.

4. miseducation.

often misinterpreted as rebellion, many rappers believe any sort of activity that"goes against the system" is "cool". This leads to many strange and infact unadbashedly insane ideas from rappers. This include's relatively new rapper "THE G.A.M.E." who tattooed a tear on his cheek to represent all the sad events in his life. Recently, he tattooed a butterfly on his other cheek to represent his apparent gayness happier moments.


5. balls.

although rappers may not have "small balls" they definately have some sort of "ball" or two. this allows them to say the most overused line in rap history:

"all i have are my balls and my word"

rappers however, are notorious liars, leading people to believe that many rappers may infact have a "small ball" or two.

5. many aliases.

This allows the rapper to start off albums and songs by introducing themselves for a good 3546876 minutes before the song actually starts. This is a typical intro to all rap songs.

"WASSSUP! THIS HERE YO' BOI BIG KALLY-WALLY-DALLY AKA LONGO-BONGO-DONGO AKA BIG TOASTA-ROASTA-AKA TONY THA TIGA!! BIG-UP BIG-UP!!!"

Sadly, this type of "bigging-up" oneself does not seclude itself to music, but spreads into conversations...

"Hey man, whats up. long time, no see--"

"WASSSUP! THIS HERE YO' BOI BIG KALLY-WALLY-DALLY AKA LONGO-BONGO-DONGO AKA BIG TOASTA-ROASTA-AKA TONY THA TIGA!! BIG-UP BIG-UP!!!"

"..."

...and typically every normal activity.

6.Violence.

A nice guy just isn't gangster. This is why all gangsters know they must be violent and threatening. Helping little old ladies isn't going to boister your hood reputation, only your "good" reputation. Thus, all true gangster know that they must threaten everyone/thing that doesn't agree with them. Just mentioning a true gangster's name should instill fear into everyone/thing.

EXAMPLES: Ordering @ mcdonalds...

"Would you like fries with that?"

"WASSSUP! THIS HERE YO' BOI BIG KALLY-WALLY-DALLY AKA LONGO-BONGO-DONGO AKA BIG TOASTA-ROASTA-AKA TONY THA TIGA!! BIG-UP BIG-UP!!! AIYO WHAT THE F#CK MAN! HOW YOU BE ASKIN WHETHER I BE WANTIN F#CKING FRIES WIT THAT? AND WHAT THE F#CK DOES FRIES GOT TO DO WITH 'THAT'? WTF IS 'THAT ANYWAY?'"

"..."

Mowing the lawn...

*mower refuses to start.

"WASSSUP! THIS HERE YO' BOI BIG KALLY-WALLY-DALLY AKA LONGO-BONGO-DONGO AKA BIG TOASTA-ROASTA-AKA TONY THA TIGA!! BIG-UP BIG-UP!!! THIS MOWER BEST BE STARTING UP SOON OR I'MA BUST A CAP IN IT'S UHH...HEAD?"

*mower cowers in fear.

7. Hoes.

No, rappers do not do gardening, the hoes to which i refer are also known as "hunnies, shorties, "b", tarts, b!tches, chicks, chickens, floosies, skanks, sluts, hors (alternatively spelled "whore")" and occasionally "girls".

The more hoes in the video, the better. i cannot stress this enough. This solidifies the notion that the rapper attracts many of these beautiful women to the point that they must remove all clothing and dance lustily with each other instead of the said (sad?) rapper. It doesn't even matter if the rapper is female, there WILL be scantily clad women in the video.

to be continued with...


8. drugs

&

9. extreme language

& many more tips need to become a true gangsta.