"...derelict old lady..."

So today I was on the bus, and it was packed.

This black girl was sitting near the back, and she was clearly beautiful.

This old man sitting next to me thought so too so he decided to check her out.

The good news was he did it in a way that was so casual, so slick that I never would have guessed it.

The bad news was that she caught him staring.

“EW! SICK: yous what, like 7o? Get yo’ eyes off o’ me, you nasto pedo!” she fairly ranted.

The whole bus went quiet, as we waited to see what this old man would say.

“Honey,” he says, in a nonchalant manner. “If you caught me checking you out, that must have been because you was checking me out at the same time!’

Well, he had her there.

I guess this was a pretty bad burn, because these two asian dudes near me dissolved into doing that weird finger whipping thing, while the rest of the bus leaned back in their seats, put one forearm over their mouths, and in unison, went “ohhh!” with several soloist saying, “burrn!” and “baiit!”

It was pretty funny I guess, but then my stop came up, I transferred, and wound up asking this derelict old lady if she could kindly move her purse so I could sit down. This conversation took place.

Me: Err, ma’am, could you please move your purse?

Her: Move it? Move it where? Move it where, WHAT?

Me: uh…what?! (by this time, I was giving her the weirdo look…you know, the one that you give when the man beside you proudly says that he’s pregnant.)

Her: WHAT do you say when you ask something?

Me: Er…a noun? Preposition?

Her: Land sakes child! How about PLEASE? And while you’re at it, use your manners boy, and apologize.

Me: Sorry, the bus went over a bump…I didn’t catch that last part…could you please repeat it?

Her: THAT is better.

Me: huh?

Her: (moves her purse) Here….you may sit here now.

Me: uhh…no thanks.