Author’s preface: I like to verb words.
See, I take nouns and adjectives, and use them as verbs!
Remember when ‘access’ was a thing? Now it is something you do. It was verbed.
Verbing words is weird. Real men can cry.
***
So, there I was, at the Raptors game. Watching as Vince Carter tried to win another Oscar.
And then, I happened to turn my head. In horror.
Isaw him. This guy, with the Einstein hairstyle, but with this mad bald spot ( I mean..I could see my reflection in his cranium...I wanted to polish it for him..but it was clear his wife already had.) was using a pair of binoculars to scope the game!
Ok...so theres nothing wrong with that..but you should have seen it! This oldish man..like...maybe 63ish…was perched on the first 10 percent of his chair...(I could have put two massive parka's behind him and he never would have noticed) with both eyes squinting, mouth open, breathing heavily ( I guess he was really into the action..it was like 'huuHH!! huhhHH') and then he kept muttering too!
'We're getting killed...We're getting murdered' the man (now known as Oldish Man) muttered to his wife. 'Do you see it dear? we're getting murdered.'
He was so pitiful that he desereved an Oscar alone for the appearance. I mean..picture Jack Nicholson..only more...dark skinned in Something About Smidt.
Old Wifey, not to be outdone by her clearly anti-bath husband, decided to say: ‘Eh…I think I finally understand the game of basket ball.’
Oldish man: Eh?
Old wifey: Yeah. Its not that hard to understand. Er, explain the concept of the group hug again?
Oldish man: uh…you mean..the huddle?
I was about to burst out laughing, when on the Jumbo-tron, out poops this quote by Vince Carter:
‘….Uh..yeah, you know? After last years dismal efforts, I am sure, that we can turn this team around 360 degrees.’
Not to pull a maddox, but wouldn’t that mean you would be right back where you started?
Ah, everything’s coming full circle.
Oldish man: …mm… (un-frikking hearable) …raptors terrible….must go to washroom. I'm a 4-wheel-drive pickup type of guy. So is my wife."
Old wifey: (clearly making fun of her old..hubby) err ..must…have…constipation…since…haven’t done #2..in…years.
Oldish man’s temper then flared up. Then apparently so did his flatulence.
Old Wifey: cough cough…what did you eat for breakfast?....prune flavored cabbages??
Oldish man: I’m sure I had some burnt offerings. Since YOU cooked.
Old wifey: Wow. How witty.
Oldish man: Listen, I don’t have to take that from you. I am a funny man. I am a upstanding citizen as well as being intelligent and deeply educated. I am a humble man.
Old Wifey: At least I don’t have a canker sore the size of Texas.
At this point I was so embedded in the stench of this man’s flatulence that I couldn’t breathe.
Oldish man: Look, my home made remedies will take care of it.
Old Wifey: Homemade? HA! All you do is take all the medicine you can find, and mix it together.
Oldish man: Look, woman. I’m trying to concentrate on the game here. In, fact, like I always say: half of the game is 90% mental.
Old wifey: uh…
Oldish man: In fact, (pause..i think he was waiting for dramatic music to play. )What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or…not to have a mind, is being very wasteful. How….true that is.
Thinking back, I think he was trying to say “A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”
But before this odd, odd couple to continue, the halftime show started. Old Wifey went to go buy some food.
Half time!!
Special Guest: Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle!!
They had several clips of him speaking, as an introduction. However,…I think someone really really screwed up, because the clips were really stupid. For example:
Reporter: Sir? How was your summer this year?
Dan Quayle: Well, I was recently on a tour of Latin America. The only regret I have was that I didn’t
study Latin harder in school, so I could converse with those people.
Reporter: ..Uh, sir, those are two different latins.
Dan Quayle: Do not be silly.
Another great quote was when he was promoting this school help fund, and he was giving money and helping kids learn.
Dan Quayle (smashing the board with his meter stick): So, math is really easy. For example: this circle has 260 degrees. (scribbling furiously on the chalkboard)
Kid: uh..don’t you mean 360?
Dan Quayle: (laughing) do not be silly! This is a small circle!
Of course all of that seemed pretty doctored. I mean, perhaps it was for comic effect. Plenty of people do that nowadays, I thought.
Until I saw him speak in person.
Audience member: Um…you say you went to Latin America. But what is your favorite place in the world?
Dan Quayle:..Well, I do love California. I mean, (chuckle chuckle) I practically grew up in Phoenix.
I was laughing until I saw that beside me, that Old wifey had returned with a personal pan pizza.
Old Wifey: ok, What do you want me to cut the pizza into: 6 slices? Or 8 slices?
Oldish man: 6 slices. I don’t think eat 8 slices.
Never mind the fact that the amount of pizza is still the same.
Old Wifey apparently caught on too. She felt it her duty to say something witty.
Unfortunately, she said this instead:
Old Wifey: Do you have any relation to your brothers Marv and Horace?
Luckily for her, oldish man was busily eating.
Oldish man: Look woman, me and Horace and Marv are two of a kind.
Epilogue:
Courthouse
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?!
