We were at my cousin’s condo.
After mooching off the free swimming pool, billiards lounge, food, sports bar, game’s room, mah jong tables, bowling alley, music room, party room, and basketball court, I was ready to officially declare myself BORED. (There really wasn’t a whole lot to do…you know what I mean?)
We had been playing cards, and if you know me (get ready), I was dealing seconds so well (yeah right), that I had been winning the last few (like…50) games of Big 2.
Inevitably, they realized that I was somehow cheating, and so Cousin Ricky decided to shuffle the deck himself. (Of course, that did not help him at all…I had the 2’s and aces in my palm.)
So after I won another 100 games, they decided not to play anymore. Then, I asked the question that would change me forever. Well…at least until I found my kneecaps. (More on that later)
“Hey...uh…Ricky.” I said. “What do you do for fun around here?”
10 minutes later…
Thus, me and my other cousin, Jason (may God bless his soul) along with little ‘Cousin Ricky’, then decided to race down the stairs!
Yes! I LOVED RACING!!
We were extremely athletic Chinese (oohh) people!!
I mean, who actually runs down the stairs, if you can take the elevator? Not us!
(The fact that the elevators were not working probably had something to do with it…did I mention we were Chinese?)
We started in the hallway, and as we started the race towards the stairs, I ‘tripped’ taking everyone down with me. Due to my experience with ‘falling’, I was up and running, while they were still untangling legs.
I took the lead (a definite mistake for all involved) reached the stairs, threw them open, and began running down the stairs.
“Uh..Matt,” it was Jason behind me. But I couldn’t be bothered. I was in the lead. I was in charge. I was-
“MATT!” This time it was Ricky. What were they doing? They couldn’t be telling me to stop and rest already! They couldn’t be THAT unfit!
“WHAT?” I screamed over my shoulder. “Don’t cheat! I’m winning! I’m going to be first down to the exit!”
“MATT!”
“WHAT?!!!” This time I actually turned around. A …actually, it would be THE vein…the vein in my forehead threatened to cover my glasses. “WHAT, RICKY?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!”
Spittle from my mouth frothed at the sides, and showered him.
“If we want to go down the stairs, why are you leading us UP the stairs?”
“Because. It is…hmm. Define ‘down ’.Wait…wait wait wait..not if we were racing….upside-down!” (The only thing worse then my sense of direction was my arguing skills.)
“Fine,” I said, starting down the stairs. “Restart! Let’s go!”
This time, I took off, determined to make up for my mistakes. I would show them who could run down the stairs the fastest!
“MATT!” Ricky, AGAIN! UNBELIEVABLE!
The vein in my forehead moved to the back of my neck (which is why to this day, I am hunched back).
“WHAT?! WHAT IS IT THIS TIME?!”
“You’re still running up the stairs.”
“?!!!!” I stopped. “OK. Sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
So at that moment, Jason decides to say, “So we’re doing the right thing?”
I looked at Ricky. Ricky looked at me. We both looked at the wall, then at over Jason, who had in fact shifted places, and said in two-part harmony (with me as the higher voice, of course), “HUH?”
He explained: “Well, every time Matt does something, he ends up nearly killing us right?”
We all nodded in agreement.
“Well, no offense, but Matt isn’t exactly the brightest bulb in the pack, right?”
Ricky nodded, while I struggled to get the analogy. “Uh…bulb…as in…light bulb?”
Jason turned to me. “You’ve thought it over, and want to go down?”
I nodded.
Jason: “Well, we better hurry and go UP.”
Of course! It made perfect sense. Although, I had to make one comment.
“Uh…Bulb…as in light bulb?”
Jason looked at me. Without a word, I turned and started running up the stairs.
Ten minutes later, as I realized that I had actually been running DOWN the stairs this time, I caught up with the two of them.
I then actually PASSED them, and got to the penthouse suite first!
“I win!” I crowed.
“Nuh-uh!” It was Jason, two floors down. “You have to open the door first…”
“Yeah!” chimed Ricky who was 10 floors down. He had stopped for a pit stop, just like they did on TV’, and sat there for 15 minutes, before realizing there was no pit crew.
Come to think of it, there wasn’t even a pit area there.
Come to think of it, he wasn’t even driving a car.
But who has time to think? We were in a race!
Still, that whole bit about opening the door was pointless. I was still going to win, obviously. I reached out, and pushed against the door with all my might, expecting it to fling open, and have everyone in the hall notice that I had won. I pushed, bracing myself for the onslaught of the rushing, cheering crowd, and the dramatic music, complete with balloons and purple dinosaurs!
Nothing.
I pushed again with all my power, (which, we’ve already agreed is pretty powerless) and it STILL didn’t open!
Ten minutes later, I was still been struggling. (As Erik would say, ‘struggles, ill dawg.’)
By this time, Jason and Ricky had already caught up to me. “HURRY UP MATT!” They started chanting. But I wasn’t worried. I had enough practice on this door already. The door had to give way any minute.
I pushed harder. BLAM! This time I think I broke my shoulder blade.
I pushed harder. BLAM! This time I think I broke my other shoulder blade.
I pushed harder. BLAM! This time I think I broke my other shoulder blade.
Before I could wonder just how many shoulder blades I had, Ricky had a brainstorm. He reached past me, and turned the knob.
The door opened.
But that wasn’t all. No. That would have been too easy.
Of course, it had to open, bang on the door stop, and swing the other way into MY face.
(I have no idea how it managed to swing back like those doors in restaurants.)
I staggered this way and that, forward and back, to and fro. However, you see, you cannot really stagger ‘to and fro’. It’s not proper language, according to Microsoft Word 2003…they say you have to use back and forth. Besides, I ran out of analogies of how I was hoping not to fall down the stairs.
Therefore, I fell.
Of course, when I was rolling down all 40 floors, Ricky and Jason shouted words of encouragement to me, such as, “Matt you moron! Stop clowning around!”
They both chased me down, but Ricky ever the follower, not wanting to be left out of something cool, like idolizing his cousin by falling down the stairs WITH me, conveniently tripped and knocked Jason over as well.
So as I lay at the bottom of the stairs, looking for my kneecaps, they both landed on top of me.
FALL FALL!
LAND LAND!
SUFFOCATE SUFFOCATE!
Suddenly I was at the bottom of a giant two-man pile. “Jason…can’t breathe...”
“Sorry, man.” They both said, as they got off.
“Let’s never do this again. EVER.” I said, reverently. “I’m sure we’ve learned our lesson.”
They both nodded in agreement.
Then, Jason realized an even more important truth. “Say, is that your kneecap over there?”
The vein in my back popped.
